For the past week or so I have been drafting a letter in my head for your very first birthday; the first year of your life that has brought so many emotions. There are an endless amount of things I want to share and teach you that it's overwhelming to find a good place to start. I hope with all I have that I am the best Mama to you, but I am far from perfect. I try not to get angry with myself when things don't go the way I had planned or hoped. That is going to happen. I am learning that laundry and house work can wait but precious milestones in your life can't. I value each and every moment I have with you especially in the evenings after we've been apart all day. Dropping you off each morning at school tugs at my heartstrings a little more each day. But, I know you are in fantastic hands with teachers who love you. They care for you as are their own and treat you that way too. You love being with your new friends, but the smile on your face when you see me at the door melts me every single time. You come as fast as you can into my arms and give me the tightest squeeze and often times a slobbery kiss. I wouldn't trade that moment for the world although I'd give anything to be able to stay at home with you.
At 7:22 PM on April 18, 2012 my life changed forever. Every single decision I made from that moment forward started with you. Seeing your face, touching your skin and laying eyes on you for the very first time was the most beautiful moment in my life. I will never forget watching the smiles on everyone's face in the delivery room, but most importantly hearing your cry for the first time. Goosebumps welled on my arms as Dr. Grider placed your gooey self onto my chest. The only thing I cared about at that moment was you and hearing that you were a healthy, 6 lb., 15.4 ounce, 20 1/4 inch long sweet boy was music to my ears. You were the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen and you were mine. You were ours. We waited ten long months for this moment and it had finally arrived. I now fully understand when people say they love something so much it hurts and they would do anything for their child. I now get it. I would do anything and everything for you. There are no guarantees or certainties in life so we cherish each and every day we have with you. Life is hard - there will be ups and downs. There will be temptations. There will be times we disagree. There will be times we are mad at each other and you won't like me when I play the mother role rather than being your friend. But you will learn from your mistakes and move on. I will be hard on you (and you on me!). But, no matter what the circumstances are, I will love you through and through. My love for you will never weaken, it will only grow stronger as the years pass us by. I will support you and love you unconditionally. Always, this is a promise I gave you the moment I laid eyes on you.
The first year of your life has gone by far too fast. I have no explanation as to how the days and months passed us by, but I wouldn't trade a single day. There were hard times and days that seemed like they would never end, but they passed. They passed far too quickly. My love for you never, ever changed. I miss the newborn you, but I have enjoyed watching you grow and being caught up in each stage. Each stage is new and different but watching you learn and grow has been wonderful. I miss the days when you were tiny, but seeing you become a toddler is enlightening and awesome. You laugh, smile, crawl, run with your walker, talk, wave, clap, dance, feed yourself big boy food, you make the biggest messes, you feed the dogs; your best friends, you say "ugh" as you deliberately throw something onto the floor, you love to imitate what we do, you love anything that isn't a "toy" but you make it a toy, cabinets are your favorite, you love trains, walks, playing outside, crawling in the grass, giving Kody kisses...and Mommy, Daddy and Grammy, you sleep well at night and nap well during the day, you love to drink out of our cup, climbing the stairs is a really fun new game, splashing around in the toilet or dog water bowl water and getting wet is one of your favorite things to do when you sneak away without our knowledge for 15 seconds, but of all these things, your hugs and kisses are by far my favorites. You are an extremely sweet and loving little boy who will sometimes wake in the middle of the night just for a snuggle from Mommy. After a minute or two, I lay you back in your crib and you fall fast asleep until the morning. I wouldn't trade those moments for the world and I hope that as you grow into a young man that you will remain as sweet as you are now. Each night before bed I read to you (which you love, especially animal books but "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See" is a favorite) and you fall asleep in my arms. I sit in your room and hold you for thirty minutes or an hour. Just me and you. We say our prayers as you drift off to sleep. Those are the moments I will cherish for the rest of my life.
You have brought so much joy and happiness to our family. And, at the end of the day, I remind myself that nothing else really matters. You are everything and more than we ever could have wished for. You are ours - a happy, healthy, fun-loving, super sweet little boy. You made our family complete, you complete us.
While I don't want to wish time away as it already goes by entirely too fast, I look forward to watching you grow and spending each new day with you. We never know what is in store, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever my love.
Love,
Mama
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