Mama Guilt

Have you ever felt so guilty, you want to cry?  Well that was me when Tyler woke up a few Sunday's ago with drainage coming from his left ear.  He indeed had an ear infection, what I thought to be his first since he had tubes inserted on December 11th.  I called the nurse on call to see if it was okay to use the antibiotic ear drops, Dr. Brown, his ENT had sent us home with the day of his surgery.  Sure enough, that's what the drops were for; treating an ear infection.  She said we could treat using the drops until we could get in to see our pediatrician on Monday.  The moment Dr. Church looked into Tyler's ears, he noticed that the left ear was indeed infected with the tube still in place.  But the right ear had some significant issues - the tube was displaced and he had a severe middle ear infection.  This explains why, for a month now, he wasn't sleeping well, was running a low grade fever and kept tugging on his ears.  All signs (to me) that new teeth were coming in and/or the transition to his new room at school wasn't going so well (he was so attached to his infant room teachers so the transition was very hard on him in the mornings), which really did happen.  It never crossed my mind that his tubes were an issue until the doctor said so.  I felt terrible because he was in pain when he tried to lay down - which were the first signs to me as a parent that he had an ear infection prior to the tubes.  I was so upset with myself that I didn't think about the tubes and didn't take him to get his ears checked.  He was hurting and I was oblivious.  A day after his first set of tubes were inserted, he was still pulling on his ears pretty badly and would wake up with dried blood from cuts inside his ear, but after a phone call to the ENT, they assured me he was still tugging on his ears because he was teething and often times with new teeth, babies don't know exactly where the pain is coming from so they think it is their ears.  So this time around, I chalked it up to the two new teeth that pooped through about the same time. 

Thankfully, Tyler already had his six month post op appointment already scheduled with Dr. Brown on June 28th so we went to see him.  Sure enough, he confirmed what our pediatrician told us - his ears were a mess, again.  Poor Tyler is all I could think.  And once again, I felt absolutely terrible.  The left ear was still infected pretty badly so apparently the oral antibiotic wasn't working so Dr. Brown gave us a stronger one and scheduled tubes on Monday, July 8th.

A few days after being on the new antibiotic, Tyler was still running a fever, and just didn't feel like himself so I called Dr. Brown's office to see if we could get tubes scheduled sooner.  They were able to fit him in the next day so on July 2nd, he went in for his second set of tubes.  This time he did them at Surgery Center of Louisville as opposed to Jewish Hospital East (which I liked better).  The nurse gave Tyler some 'happy juice' to relax him before surgery so the nurses could take him away from us without him getting really upset. I was a little annoyed with the nurse because after she gave him the 'happy juice' she looked at us and said he's going to look like he's "trippin"...excuse me, we don't do drugs in our house.  Tyler still got a little upset and kept reaching out for us as they walked him away.  Tears welled up in my eyes because the thought of him being put under and waking up without Mama and Dada by his side terrified me.  But thankfully, he was only away from us for about fifteen minutes and Dr. Brown came out to tell us the surgery was successful.  The only good thing that came from this is that Tyler's ear drum healed rather quickly which is why the right tube came out so soon.  Dr. Brown chose to insert two brand new tubes though because the left one had some crusting around it.  But, the bad thing is that if they fall out again within six to eight months, he will receive a permanent set of tubes that will not fall out on their own.  I'm hopeful that this won't be a bridge we have to cross and that this set stays in his ears for quite awhile.  

The first time around, we could hear Tyler screaming as the nurses brought him back to us.  He was just waking up from anesthesia and was not a fan.  He was disoriented and in a room full of strangers.  This time as we walked to the post op room, Tyler was not nearly as upset and was just hanging out with the nurses.  The first time, after he woke up from a short nap on the ride home from the hospital, he was fine.  You never would have known he had surgery that morning.  This time, however, his day was a little rough.  He just wasn't himself, but we all made it and Tyler seems to be enjoying his new set of tubes.  He doesn't have bloody ears in the morning, no fever and he's sleeping a lot better.  

Lesson learned - any time Tyler's sleeping habits change or he begins to tug at his ears, we will set up an appointment to have his ears checked.  I'm not putting him through this pain again.  

Six months later...